It's time. I'm having no second thoughts, and that hasn't happened in a long time...
I'm thinking - the biggest tsunami wave ever is pushing towards my little beach hut. Nah, that's way over-dramatic. I might be thinking - holy crap! Every day to day comfort that I've finally reached maximum capability in is being wiped clean off the slate. There's a baby brewing, there's University coming up. There's living with my mom, my father in law, my wife and a brand new outa the box little screamer in a 2 bedroom house. In 3 weeks, I'm saying goodbye to Frisco, Oakland and Bezzzerkeley, and moving to "the city she loves me...".
Every other time that I can remember myself moving from old to new, like a new job, a new city, a new country, I would have second thoughts. What if's, what if not's, or - when will I... how will I... and always - how much, many or little will I...? But this time is really different. I quit my job today, took my final check and said goodbye. I've had that job for almost 2.5 years. That's the longest time on one job in the US for me so far.
Change really is for the better. I remember going back to the civilian life after 4 years of ironed olive green shirts and a third metal arm that went BANG every once in a while. Now THAT was a big change, and from worst to best, too. Bleached my hair, put on clubbing t-shirts in the day time, smoked weed every day (ok, ok - I was doing that long before I got out da army...). A few months later and I was on a plane to SFO. Now, sure that was exciting and new enough to dwarf the uncertainty, but the worries were still there ( thank god for good old Black&White's liquor).
All I'm saying is that knowing I'm about to become a daddy for some little creature is somehow giving me more energy and focus. I've had an issue with putting aside the worries and just shifting into gear, letting the engine do the pushing. Maybe it didn't show that much, but that's what was going on in the back of my head many times. I don't know why really, or how, but I'm just not worried. I'm not. I just can't wait to see what this kid will look like, and hear what he or she will sound like.
Sure - getting older and more grown up had me in a "Oh SHIT !" phase for a while, but then I realized that's mostly because of two things - TV (or movies), and some bitchy folks here and there who just want to increase their drinking buddy options. It took one look at an ultrasound monitor for me to feel that awesome feeling of "I did that. That's mine !", and that sticks.
